It is not always about the roses..but sometimes it is..

 Alright, the roses.

Hubby likes to groan anytime I mention them now.  You see, since December 20th you could be forgiven for thinking it is ALL about the roses.

I can't explain it, but on the morning of the 21st, when we pulled into that driveway to see what was left of our home, I fully expected the roses to be gone.. and they weren't..and I found myself exhaling.

It was almost as though, if those roses could survive, and continue to live there, then so could I.

Most of those roses had come back to me, from our Nairne house, where they were planted as housewarming gifts, or new baby gifts, or carefully chosen as bare rooted roses to match and replicate the roses in my wedding bouquet.  In a strange way, those roses were a symbol of our life together, and they endured, so we could too.

I know that is why I was irrationally cross when the army cut hedge branches and piled them on top of them in the clean-up, and why I recently lost the plot when the builders destroyed the two that had come back from total annihilation up by the house.

It is also why I was deliriously happy when my dear friend Julie helped me create a rose garden earlier in the year, and when, after seeing that the two by the house were destroyed, I came home to find that Kirsty and Narelle had been to the nursery and replaced the pink and the yellow rose that were smashed.

Now that Spring has really sprung, my roses have come into their own.  I am once again able to pick big bunches for friends, and my house has roses in every corner.

Maddie has taken a liking to the Graham Thomas and has them in a bud vase in her room.  The red climbing Sympathie has become a little corner of festive cheer with a Christmas candle.

The roses, they just keep making me happy.  They remind me that I can be resilient, and grow through adversity.  They remind me that you can be prickly and beautiful at the same time.

I take delight in the new ones as they flower for the first time. I take delight in the old ones as my favourites just bloom and bloom again.  I take delight in my friend's faces when I say "these are for you"

So it is not all about the roses, but sometimes, it is about finding the simple joys among the mundane or indifferent.

May you always have roses in your life,

May they be a reminder to bloom where you are planted.

Keep smiling,

Nell

Keep Looking Forward

 Hmmm. 

It has been a confronting few weeks. 2 more friends lost their mums, and we finally had some progress on the block.

I didn't expect that to trigger me the way it did, but 400 tonne of clay and rubble in the middle of where your house used to be is bound to be a little confronting.

I had always thought that I would replant the bee/bird/butterfly garden out the back and when they cut the site they cut right to the back fence and the side fence.  I feel bad for the neighbours, and at this moment I can't imagine how I will be able to have any sort of garden back there.

So far, it feels like nothing about this build has been simple.  They were going to leave the fill down the front for us and then a) it was too wet and would delay by weeks and b) they were going to charge $100 an hour to move it from the top of the block to the bottom.

We got a quote to get it taken away, and then found someone close by who would take it but they weren't interested in that.  Tonight James visited the site after work and tried to save some of the big rocks for me for garden beds etc.  He called me and asked me to come back with him after tea instead of walking.  How beautiful are our friends. My walking crew sent their husbands over to help and we managed to save quite a lot of rocks in a short space of time.  Many hands make light work - so often this year I have been amazed and overwhelmed by how supportive this group of friends are!

Right now it feels like we are the furtherest away from the old house and the furtherest away from the new house.  Kind of in this limbo - a wilderness at the mercy of contractors and bureaucrats.  I am determined that one day soon we will be closer to a new house so for now it is about baby steps that will move us in the right direction.

My garden has been such a solace. The roses are blooming prolifically now, and on the weekend my lovely friend Lea-Anne came with me on a jaunt to Mt Pleasant to pick up this little blue chair! I love it.  I feel like I can sit in it and turn my back on the rubble and house site and just watch the ducklings on the duckpond, and the birds flitting in and out of the roses.

Funny how quickly wildlife adapt to new habitats.  We have magpies nesting right near the house site and galahs further down in a hollow log.  The wood ducks hatched a clutch of 8 babies and a heron has moved into the pond.

Today the first of my big Close to My Heart Re-tooling orders arrived.  This was a wonderful Business Recovery Iniative and will go a long way towards replacing thin cuts and inks and cardstock.

I spent some time yesterday getting inky and making some cards for Sue to sell at the Garden Open Day.  I feel like we have been so supported by so many throughout this process and it feels good to be able to give back, even in small ways.

I've had some IT support too, so learning new ways of using my technology to help grow my business - I think we may finally have sorted the phone photos to blog issue!!!

Anyhow, I have to run and put the chooks in, but I am still here, and hoping to blog more frequently from now on!
Keep smiling,

Nell

October Taking Stock

 It is somewhat tradition for me to do a "taking stock" on the October school holidays.

It feels like last term was the longest in history.

We all needed a break so it has been quite a cruisy, quiet school holidays.

I'm still not sure what is happening blog wise.  It feels like I'm not ready to give up on this space, but I need to find a way to easily import photos and update it.  Sometimes it feels like I have nothing to say, and other times it feels like I have too much to say, but not the words to say it.

I recently lost a dear friend who kept me accountable in this space (and sometimes reminded me gently that it was time for another blog post)  She is the 6th important person lost to me this year and that really hurts.  It feels like there is quite a bit of hurt and trauma in the world at the moment.

Anyhow, here it is,

where we are right now:

Making: DK boot socks - so quick and easy I am a bit obsessed
Cooking: chicken dumplings from the Central markets
Sipping: about to have a cup of tea?

Reading: Accordian Crimes (a thoroughly sensory book - lots of vivid descriptions)

Waiting: for work to start on our house

Looking: for lava lamps for Dan's birthday
Listening: to the sound of kids brushing teeth and hubby watching Bear Grylls
Wishing: holidays could last another week
Enjoying: slow paced mornings 
Appreciating: sleep ins and cooked breakfasts
Eating: cheese, lots of cheese
Liking: thinking about Christmas
Loving: knitting,  and scrapping, and hanging at home
Buying: Dan's birthday presents and small things for Christmas stockings
Managing: some low-level anxiety about the house, and next term, and the prospect of being unemployed come December 11th
Watching: The Handmaid's Tale again (what else to watch in this world gone crazy?)
Hoping: for a better 2021
Wearing: Summer dresses even though it is technically not warm enough!
Following: lots of antique/vintage instagram posts
Noticing: Spring blossom and flowers
Sorting: photos
Getting: impatient with the lack of building progress
Coveting: a house
Feeling: a bit blah

Happy Tuesday to you,

May we all find joy in the simple things.

Keep smiling,

Nell

xx

6 Months later..

6 months ago, on this day, a fire ripped through our beautiful little hills community and tore many lives apart.
My "forever" home was one of the unlucky ones.
It stills seems somewhat surreal that in a matter of minutes we went from this:

to this:

and the very next day we lost one of the most influential people in my life, my dear Nanny.

6 months on, it still hurts.

Losing Nanny will always be with me, but I know she is at peace and with her beloved Wally, and I still feel their presence in my life more than you would imagine.  I can look at this photo and smile, and make her recipes and feel happy.  She is closest to me when I am pottering in my garden, or mucking about with house plants, and when I see a great sunset, and when the kookaburras and parrots come to visit at the house site.

Losing the house, and the tragedies that overtook our little town that day, and since, still hurts.  The Recovery Centre are now talking about the "fire scar" and I kind of like that analogy since some scars are big and ugly and visible, and others are private, or internal, or hidden.  No one else knows how deep your scar runs, or which days it hurts the most, and I think that is true for almost everyone who was living in our area at the time.  We certainly don't have the monopoly on grief and loss.  I am reminded of this daily.  Our poor little town has been through so much, and some scars take much longer to heal than others.

I had to really think about whether I wanted to write this.  Our journey has been quite a public one and I wasn't sure whether I wanted to "mark" the anniversary or even acknowledge it, but you know what, it takes a village to get through something like this, and I am so very often reminded of that too.  Our "village", and all of those who've supported us in so many ways deserve to know how we are going.

We live in an incredibly special place and we have been helped through this by a multitude of friends, family, total strangers.  We live in a lucky country, and have received help from Federal and State and Local Government, and numerous aid agencies and community-minded individuals. 

Our rebuild will be "the house that love built" and I like to fantasize about a big open house warming in the front paddock when the house is to lock up stage to say thank you to everyone who made it possible.

So 6 months on, where are we at?
The rebuilding process is slow.  Our block was the first cleared in South Australia.  Green Industries did a tremendous job and the State Government picked up the hefty bill.  Our insurance company (RAA) have been fabulous to deal with and we were given a total loss payout.  Our mortgage company (Aussie Home Loans) and our local broker (David Hartas) really looked after us and we will certainly be re-mortgaging with them.
James' shed went up in April.
We are rebuilding with Oakford Homes (whom we built our first home with at Nairne 13 years ago)
Oakford are excellent to work with and have provided equal amounts of compassion and common sense.  We have faith in them and know that we will have a house we love at the end of it.
We were fortunate to find a tiny rental in Lobethal and it has been wonderful to be able to remain connected to the friends and community we love so much.
Our plans are currently with council and we hope to have final approval and a start date very, very soon.

In the meantime, I go out to our "home" most days.  Even without our house, it still feels like "home"  I still get that same goofy smile when I turn into the drive. I still love the sound of birdsong - the kookaburra that laughs at me a few times a week, the parrots that swoop in and pinch my rosebuds.  It is still my "Haven on the Hill"  I love it still.

Big blessings to you.

Keep smiling,

Nell

xx

Taking Stock Holiday Edition

Grief is such a weird thing.  It just up and hits you when you least expect it.  I can be having a perfectly good day and then the smallest thing can just whammo and all of a sudden you realise that your eyes are leaking again.

We continue to have a series of unfortunate events happening to several of those around us.  This is a trend that has continued from late 2019 and honestly doesn't feel like it will be clearing anytime soon. It makes me sad, and sometimes it makes me bone-numbingly tired..like I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a really long time and then wake up to a world made new without all of the current pain and angst.  The scenes in Italy, my beloved Italy, and New York..not really any words big or meaningful enough.  My heart is just so sore.  There may have been a fair bit of self medicating with alcohol and chocolate.  I have put all thoughts of diet aside for the moment.  This year is NOT the year.

Throughout all the blah, good things are still happening and I am still trying to find sweet, simple pleasures where I can.  We are in full-blown Autumn now, and I find myself turning to nourishing soups and stews, and home-cooking, and candles, and warm socks and knitting projects.

It has been a funny kind of holiday.  Hasn't really felt like a holiday.  Part of me could still do with another week before going back to work, and another part of me craves the "normality" of work - even though nothing is really that normal there either at the moment.

I am taking enormous pleasure in spinning (my new wheel and I are now like "peas and carrots") and knitting (especially a big basket of wool scraps that Tanya dropped off this week - it feels wonderful to have "scraps" again) and slow, meditative stitching.

So here it is, the April list:

Taking Stock

Making: vivid orange monster socks and scrap mitts for ACAN
Cooking: Irish Soda Bread and Potato and Leek Soup

Sipping: Ginscato - dangerous!

Reading: Just finished "Knitting" again - such a perfect, comforting, cozy holiday read made even more special by the fact that my friend Anne gifted me one of her author's copies to replace mine.  Such a special gift.

Looking: At a lovely big basket of wool scraps, and the most amazing Dorset buttons (thanks Tanya!)

Listening: To wind howling outside
Wishing: The year was done with already and everyone was in a much happier, more optimistic, place
Enjoying: Too many Lindt balls
Eating: Chocolate and scorched almonds
Liking: my beautiful brown leather boots (gifted from a friend who can no longer wear them)
Loving: how well my kids are coping with this whole self-isolating covid experience
Buying: a bit of stash enhancement (would have been Bungaree this weekend!) and clothes for Hannah for her birthday
Watching: Anne with and "E" - this is my second go at it as the first time I couldn't shake off the fact that it is soooooo removed from the books.  I'm enjoying it now that I am treating it as a completely different series in no way related to those beautiful books
Hoping: That my friend might finally give me back my Downton dvds so I can binge watch season 1 this weekend
Needing: to cling fast and hold tight to small, simple pleasures
Wearing: Olive corduroy skirt (yay for Karma East)
Following: lots of crochet patterns and home vintage ideas on instagram, and lots of home studio ideas on pinterest
Noticing: how much I miss the social interaction with my "support crew" - how different the holidays are without them
Sorting: colours for a test shawl - how can I have about 10 skeins of sock wool and still not have 2 skeins that play nicely together?
Getting: mildly concerned that I can't think what I feel like making for tea
Saving: chocolate wrappers and toilet rolls for Maddie's covid "making" projects
Bookmarking: recipes, and a gazillion knitting projects that I will probably never get around to
Coveting: more wool, and more buttons, and the luxury of a space big enough to quilt or scrapbook
Feeling: emotionally drained and missing my friends and my old life, but grateful that we are all safe and have a roof over our heads and financial security to get through this

I know this crazy time too will pass and hopefully before we know it, restrictions will ease and life will feel more "normal"  I am full of gratitude for the many small kindnesses people are still showing to help us through.

Photos next time I promise, and hopefully more optimism too!

Keep smiling and stay safe,

Nell

xx

Strange Days Indeed..

So since the 20th of December it feels a little like I have been living someone else's life.  Things just keep getting weirder and weirder. 

The 20th of December started like any other Summer day.  It was my first day of the school holidays to really get things done - wrapping presents, paying bills, writing Christmas cards..

My friend Kathy dropped in with my Christmas Swap Parcel and some self-selected Christmas fibre.  We had a cup of tea.  My phone beeped.  My contract for teaching first Semester back at the little school that I love had just been approved.  Kathy left, and as she did so, the first of the spotter planes flew over.  "Here we go" she said, giving me a hug, "Stay safe"

Soon after the CFS app alerted us that a fire had started at Fox Creek.  I know that road well and knew that with the strong winds and steep terrain it would not be easy to contain.  Hannah's friend began texting her, "Are you leaving? It is getting closer! It is heading towards Lobethal"

We kept checking the updates and I asked the kids to pack an overnight bag "just in case"
I am thankful that the Sampson Flat Fires had taught us to be better prepared.  Our "fire box" was right by the door.

My dear friend Jacquie messaged me; "If things get hairy you are welcome to come here for a cuppa"
Within a few hours the smoke plume was looming larger, the wind had picked up,  the water bombers kept flying over and Lobethal looked like it was in the firing line.

James was on a job at Mt Torrens.  We talked on the phone and I told him we were preparing to leave.  He said he was almost finished and would come home after, just hold on until he got home and we would make a plan.

Within the next half hour Hannah's friend was getting panicked and social media was beginning to heat up.  We made the decision not to wait for James and to just go to Jacquie's until it all blew over.

We loaded the rabbit, the kids' baby and school albums, our wedding album and a few favourite framed photos into the car, along with the electronics, and, as an afterthought, James's precious guitar.  I did not take a single craft project, even though there was a half-finished shawl on the table, socks in my handbag, and I moved my jumper project off the albums to put them in the car!  I was wearing my daggiest undies and my favourite (but almost dead) bra.  Although I had asked the kids to pack an overnight bag, I took the plastic bag with my clothes off of the emergency supplies box to put more albums in!

On the way to Jacquie's I reassured the kids.  "You're not worried are you? My house burned down when I was a little girl.  We are not in a high risk area.  I wonder what the odds are of your house burning down twice? I give our house a 0.28% chance of burning down" WHAT ARE THE ODDS??

The kids and I had a lovely visit with Jacquie and Lily and Paul. Our bunny, Marmalade got to play with Lily's bunny, Billy.  Jacquie and Paul were so good at keeping things calm and happy as the situation in Lobethal ramped up.

By about 3 o'clock it was pretty evident that we would not be going back to Lobethal that night and we got the devastating news that our neighbour across the road had lost her house.  Nicole is the epitomy of a good neighbour - we have reciprocal pet-feeding rights, and my heart just broke for her.  I also knew, at that point, that our odds had dramatically gone up.  I knew that if the fire jumped the road, or an ember got into one of our gum trees, it was all over. 

We left Jacquie's and went down to Aldinga to my inlaws' beach house.  The beach house is our "home away from home" and my kids have had their own beds there since Maddie was a baby.  James's parents arrived shortly after we got there and then James came down after work.

He had been there for about 10 minutes when we got the call that we had been dreading.  I am thankful for two things - we were all together as a family in a safe place when we got that call.  We heard from a trusted family friend, who called us from our driveway, to tell us that there was nothing left.

Just like that, my dream home, my happy-as-a-pig-in-mud, Haven on the Hill was gone.  Since then, life has been surreal.

The days and weeks after the fire are a blur - a strange mismash of waiting in line, filling in forms, shopping for something more than the clothes on our backs.  Let me stress that we were some of the lucky ones.  We felt loved and supported from all sides.  We still do.

It has been a very strange time.  We have seen the kindness of strangers, and felt the power of love from friends and family and community.

We also understand that we are not alone in our grief. Our little town has lost so much.  There are many who have lost much, and there are also those who may not have had physical losses but have been emotionally scarred.  It will take time for our town to heal.

It has taken time, lots of time, to be able to think and process before writing about it here.  I wasn't sure that I would.  I wasn't sure that I would ever blog again.  It was only the fact that I scrolled back one night, looking for photos of our beautiful home, and saw so much of our life documented here, that made me want to document this part too.

The day after the fire we lost my beloved Nanny. That is a whole other blog post for a whole other time.  We also lost a second cousin, in the prime of life, totally unexpectedly the same day.  The day of the fire was my brother's birthday.  The day we lost Nanny was my Gubby's 99th birthday.  It seems just so incomprehensible.

February brought fresh heartache with the funeral of a sweet baby girl (some of you may have read about Dot's battle with Mito on facebook)  Our little town, already awash with grief, is still grieving anew for this beautiful little girl and her family.  She will be loved and remembered.

And then in March, James's Aunt lost her battle with cancer.  Four funerals in three months, two of them children.  Tough stuff.

And now, well now, we have this new crazy situation unfolding.  I was down to a class of 7 yesterday.  Almost half of our school were away.  It feels as though we are just waiting for them to make the call to shut schools.  All sporting events are off.  Many other events are cancelling (including the awesome Bungaree Ravelry Retreat I go to each year)  Quarantine/home lockdown is looking more and more likely.  Ironically, at home, in the old house, a fortnight's staycation would have filled me with delight.  Here, in this little rental, without familiar things, without a substantial fibre stash, or any freezer space, or indeed, any room to get away from each other when we need to, I suspect it may not be quite so much fun.

We will get through this.  I know that, but it does feel like our lives this year are not really our own, like we are in some strange holding pattern, and sadly, I am already looking forward to 2021.  I love that quote about "What will you do with your one extraordinary life" - it goes against my nature not to live life to the fullest, but I suspect that this year might be more about treading water, and grasping the small, sweet, simple moments with both hands.

Until next time, may you enjoy health, happiness and love,
Stay strong,
Keep smiling,
Nell